BREKKIE DISASTER
Letter To My Wife, as a Husband Whose Gifts do not include Cooking
My dear wife,
Thanks for providing this day my daily breakfast.
I must tell you that breakfast today – or more precisely the cooking of it – was an unmitigated disaster. Everything that happened confirmed I was right to be apprehensive about this porridge cooking thing. I did call for training before my first attempt in the public arena that is the staff kitchen but you assured me I’d be alright – “You’ll be surprised how simple it really is”, you said to me. And since “the boss is always right”, I believed you. And so it came to pass, that I tucked the precious sachet of porridge into my bag and trudged off to work. I wish I hadn’t listened to you this time.
I wasted no time when I got to work, and headed straight to the kitchen after switching my computer on. I got the thing out, ripped the top off, poured it into a mug, added some water and put it in the microwave oven just as Your Majesty instructed. Presently a queue of two co-workers formed behind me. I pressed 2.5 minutes, half-a-minute more than you ordered, just to be sure, and waited. I assured the queue behind me I’d soon be done.
I thought I heard noises of protest coming from inside the microwave at some point, but didn’t worry too much – don’t they all protest from claustrophobia when shoved inside the belly of the metallic monster? I thought I’d heard similar noises coming from inside the one at home when I’ve watched you cook.
Presently, the microwave let out a high-pitched “piiinnng” sound and went quiet. With hindsight, I now realise it was the mischief-maker’s shout of triumph! Time to retrieve my brekkie, I ignorantly thought as I grabbed my spoon. I flung the door open. And that was when my heart sank.
The mug, under intense pressure from the metallic monster, had jettisoned its precious contents onto the tray in the monster’s belly – and it hadn’t even bothered to discuss with me first. How rude! Worse still, I could almost hear the silly, now almost-empty mug unite with the metallic thing in sneering: “Who’re you calling a mug now?” I believe the queue of co-workers behind me heard it too, as I could hear them sniggering. Now everybody in the office knows the level of my porridge-making ability – or rather inability.
To add insult to injury, I then had to clean both the very publicly-owned microwave oven and my privately-owned mug, or at least the outside of the latter, for I made sure that the 10% or so left inside it did not go to waste – my way of having the last laugh by extracting every last ounce of revenge.
You always accuse me of never learning my lesson. I can assure you that this time I have!
Lessons learnt from all this:
- I need a proper (and bigger) bowl that will be able to stand up to the bully aka microwave oven when commanded illegally to throw its contents onto the tray.
- One or two porridge-cooking lessons won’t be a bad idea after all. I’ll be your student.
- If all that fails, I’ll promise you a “special reward” to cook it for me – I’ll then only have the responsibility of carrying it safely to the office.
Your loving husband.
FACE-TO-FACE WITH A CYCLING THIEF
A LITTLE DRAMA NEAR HIGHBURY AND ISLINGTON STATION
What a shock! This morning – 6th June, 2016 – I witnessed the attempted snatching of a lady’s mobile phone by a guy on a bike!
It was surreal!
We were waiting @ a Highbury & Islington bus stop when this bicycle came down the road toward Holloway Road Tube Station. Just another cyclist on his way to work, it seemed. There was this lady texting on her phone right in front of me.
In the blink of an eye, there was a swing of the cyclist’s left arm, and the phone changed hands. Expertly executed manoeuvre, that. Piston-like movement of the hand. The lady let out a high-pitched shriek of surprise, fear and shock. Mr Thief cycled away furiously, like a part-time demon. Thankfully, the phone escaped his grasp, just five or so metres from where it was snatched, and crashed to the ground. Maybe this thief has not perfected his high-risk craft after all. Or maybe, that was just good fortune siding with the phone’s owner. In all probability, it won’t be this brazen crook’s last attempt at phone-snatching…
He dared not stop so he carried on like nothing had happened – not even a glance back lest his face be captured and stored in someone’s photographic memory 😊! Clearly, this was all in a day’s work for the criminal. The lady jumped into the road without thinking. Thankfully there were no vehicles behind so she was able to retrieve her prized possession without injury…everybody was shocked – it had all happened in a blur…
This, for me, was a different kind of experience from the one that saw me receive an unprovoked (and undeserved 😊) punch from a teenaged thug, one of a group of feral children cycling merrily down Camden Road, off Holloway Road close to my workplace…My crime? Walking towards the bus stop, minding my own business! That was more than two years ago, and it shocked me to the core. I found this morning’s incident no less shocking.
Hold on to your phones, folks!
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